i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
