I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
