You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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