worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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