guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
