Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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