Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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