she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
