Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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