i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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