It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
