I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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