I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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