Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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