my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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