Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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