Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
