okay pat passed out under dana's car
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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