when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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