All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
