How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
