R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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