Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
