If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
