oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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