Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
