i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
