thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
