i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
