omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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