I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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