dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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