I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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