so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
