new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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