i just sent this text using only my big toe
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
