So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
