His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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