just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
