I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
