***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You can't special order awesome
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
