I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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