You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
