Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
