I heard we made out
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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