Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
