Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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