farters have to be the big spoon...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Randomize
