I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
