my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
