Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
