i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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