Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't notice because vodka
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
