some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
