I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
