yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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